‘We
cannot change the past, but we can change our attitude toward it. Uproot guilt
and plant forgiveness. Tear out arrogance and seed humility. Exchange love for
hate --- thereby, making the present comfortable and the future promising. Maya
Angelou
Introduction
The
business of forgiveness and reconciliation are by no mean very simple things.
Martin Luther King Jr. once said that in spite of the fact that the law of revenge solves no social problems,
men continue to follow its disastrous leading. History is cluttered with the
wreckage of nations and individuals that pursued this self-defeating path. He
added, ‘Forgiveness is not an
occasional act; it is a permanent attitude.’ We speak of reconciliation and
forgiveness often. But do we understand them? Do we truly believe them and do
our lives proclaim them as powerfully as our words. ‘Despite a hundred sermons
on forgiveness, we do not forgive easily, nor find ourselves easily forgiven.
Forgiveness, we discover, is always harder than the sermons make it out to be,’
writes Elizabeth O’Connor. We nurse sores, go to elaborate lengths to
rationalize our behavior, perpetuate family feuds, punish ourselves, punish
others – all to avoid this most unnatural act.[1]
Clarification of terms
Forgiveness means overlooking the sin or transgression, and
restoring a bond of love. It is an unnatural act which is achingly difficult.
The very taste of forgiveness seems somehow wrong. Long after you have
forgiven, the wounds lives on in memory. Even long after we have said ‘I
forgive you’, our hearts remain angry and resentful. We still want to hear the
story that tells us that we are right after all; to hear excuses and apologies
and sometimes want the satisfaction of receiving praise in return.
Reconciliation is forgiveness in action. Forgiveness is
only fulfilled in reconciliation. Reconciliation takes at least two, it aims at
achieving something constructive out of a dark, hurtful past. It does not mean
forgetting but, rather, remembering the past in order to live normally, more
fully, in the future. We forgive because we cannot forget the past. Forgiveness
and reconciliation are important
part of the human dimension of conflict most often forgotten in
conflict-handling and peace building.
God’s forgiveness is
unconditional
God’s forgiveness of us and our sins against
Him is unconditional and absolute. A beautiful example of God’s forgiveness and
a model for our own is the parable of the Prodigal Son in Luke 15. The
practice of forgiveness is our most important contribution to the healing of
the world said Marianne Williamson.
The account of Joseph’s reconciliation with his
brothers in Genesis 37 -45 is also a moving and touching one. It is a depiction
of the unnatural act of forgiveness. The loops and twists in this account
cannot be fully understood. One moment Joseph acted harshly, throwing his
brothers in jail; the next moment he seemed overcome with sorrow, leaving the
room to blubber like a drunk. He played tricks on his brothers, hiding money in
their grain sacks, seizing one as a hostage, accusing another of stealing his
silver cup. For months, may be years, these intrigues dragged on until finally
Joseph could restrain himself no longer. He summoned his brothers and
dramatically forgave them. The brothers Joseph struggled to forgive were the
very ones who had bullied him, had cooked up schemes to murder him, had sold
him into slavery. Because of them he had spent the best years of his youth
moldering in an Egyptian prison. Though he went on to triumph over adversity
and though with all his heart he now wanted to forgive these brothers, he could
not bring himself to that point, not yet. The wound still hurt too much.
Only
Grace breaks the chain of unforgiveness
When grace finally broke through to Joseph, the
sound of his grief and love echoed throughout the palace. What is that wail? Is
the king’s minister sick? No, Joseph’s health was fine. It was the sound of a
man forgiving. Behind every act of forgiveness lies a wound of betrayal, and
the pain of being betrayed does not easily fade away. Wrestling with the
command to love our enemies and to forgive them while being persecuted and
humiliated is a most unnatural, unusual and extraordinary thing to do and this
sets a Christian apart from others. Grace alone melts ungrace. Grace is the only
force in the universe powerful enough to break the chains that enslave
generations. So, the gospel of grace begins and ends with forgiveness.
Pope Francis on Forgiveness and Confession
During his catechesis at the General
Audience, Pope Francis spoke about forgiveness
and Confession. He said that God is never
tired of forgiving, and he urged all Catholics never to be tired of asking for forgiveness. The
Pope also acknowledged that he too goes to
Confession. ‘Our mothers, our grandmothers
said that it's better to turn red once, than to turn pale thousands. You turn
red once, you are absolved of your sins, and you move on. Even I go to Confession every fifteen days, because
the Pope is also a sinner. And the confessor listens to what I tell him, he advises
me and absolves me, because we are all in need of this forgiveness.’
The Pope explained that the task of forgiving sins is so delicate, that if a priest is not merciful and benevolent,
he should avoid being a confessor. “Penitents have... the obligation?
No. They have the right! We have the right, all of us, to find in priests, the
servants of forgiveness from God.”[2]
A world crying for forgiveness and healing
Today we see within society and the church community a need and
longing for healing and forgiveness. This seems especially true at the turn of
a new millennium. As we look around the world we see both the lights of
reconciliation and the shadows of darkness where pain, anger, non-acceptance,
and despair abound. These shadows speak of the tremendous cries for forgiveness
and reconciliation—for healing within ourselves, our families, our
neighborhoods, and our churches and communities. The nightly news and local
newspapers paint one story after another of the inability to forgive and heal.
Families and communities are torn apart because people refuse to forgive one
other and move towards reconciliation. Every human being has been the victim of
some kind of rejection, ridicule, threat, or even violence. Those experiences
lead us to lose sight of human kindness and to block our own capacity to trust,
love, and forgive. However, forgiveness can cure those wounds and lead us to
reconciliation through love. The well-known saying "To err is human, to
forgive divine" is a popular way of affirming that we all make mistakes
and should be ready to forgive each other in order to live happily. Amidst the
daily problems and conflicts that shake our lives, the families and communities
that stay together are the ones that recognize their faults and their need for
reconciliation—through offering and receiving forgiveness. On the other hand,
when there is a refusal to forgive, "our hearts are closed and their
hardness makes them impervious" even to God's forgiveness (Catechism of
the Catholic Church2840).[3]
The necessity and benefit of
forgiveness and reconciliation
We
all have someone or something to forgive . . . and when we learn how, we become
free to increase success in every area of our life said Azim Khamisa.
ü
Through forgiveness we gain freedom from our repressed
feelings and our voices and faces become calmer and serene. When
you hold resentment toward another, you are bound to that person or condition
by an emotional link that is stronger than steel. Forgiveness is the only way
to dissolve that link and get free said Catherine Ponder.
ü
It melts away the pain of betrayal and abuse of trust and
offers a way out.
ü
Forgiveness brings healing. Not to forgive imprisons us
in the past and locks out all potential for change
ü
It is an act of faith that trust that God is the ultimate
guarantor of justice. It loosen the stranglehold of guilt in the perpetrator
ü
It releases us from the desire for revenge and leaves
everything in God’s hands.
ü
Though wrong may not disappear when we forgive, it loses
its grip on us and is taken over by God, who knows what to do.
ü
Learning to let things
go and forgive is not always easy, but when we truly forgive, it helps foster
better health, better relationships, a deeper sense of purpose and self worth
and a feeling of connection to others says Robert
Alan Silverstein.
ü
Forgiveness alone can heal
the cycle of blame and pain, breaking the chain of ungrace.
ü
There is no future
without forgiveness and reconciliation.
Conclusion
I will conclude with the admonition of the Apostle
Paul in (Romans 12:9-21) and some useful quotes on forgiveness – hate what is
evil, be joyful, live in harmony, do not take revenge …Do not let evil defeat
you; instead, conquer evil with good. The Gospel makes it clear that God
forgives our debts as we forgive our debtors.
Some useful Quotes on forgiveness
I
can forgive, but I cannot forget, is only another way of saying, I will not
forgive. Forgiveness ought to be like a cancelled note - torn in two, and
burned up, so that it never can be shown against one. Henry Ward Beecher
There is no
revenge so complete as forgiveness. - Josh Billings
Forgiving
is an act of mercy toward an offender. We are no longer controlled by angry
feelings toward this person. - Robert
D. Enright
Forgiveness
does not equal forgetting. It is about healing the memory of the harm, not
erasing it. Ken Hart
Forgiveness is not an occasional act; it is a permanent attitude. Martin Luther King, Jr.
When a deep injury is done to us, we never recover until we forgive. Alan Paton
Five enemies of peace inhabit with us -
avarice, ambition, envy, anger, and pride; if these were to be banished, we
should infallibly enjoy perpetual peace. - Petrarch[4]
Questions for discussion:
- Though
our sins and crimes may be heinous beyond belief. Is anyone ever beyond
forgiveness?
- Can
you share an instance in your life when you forgave someone or were
forgiven by someone else?
- The scandal of forgiveness confronts us all. How
does your family practice or not practice forgiveness and reconciliation?
